Back to the roots

Life story contains several small narratives, circumstances, memories, and feelings that are seemingly unrelated to each other. In great awe, I continuously enjoy to observe how one step we make leads to another. Not only to the next one in line, but also to the one we walk thousands of kilometres away. In recent days, I was deeply grateful for observing my steps, which completed certain puzzle of my life and allowed me to look into a better image of myself.

Let me start describing these events with a book dedicated to wild female souls. Not berserk ones, as my dear friend would say, but authentic, connected and balanced female beings who allow themselves to live in the glow of their own souls of heart power. I read this book several years ago. It is titled Women Who Run With Wolves and written by Clarissa Pinkola Estés. It is a call to the wild female nature, it is an encouragement to the female soul to open its sleepy and veiled eyes and bravely open herself in the glow of her potential. It also called me, in times when I was fearfully hiding behind the veil of repressed emotional burdens, hidden memories and above all fear, which fed on disconnected parts of my psyche. Ženske, ki tečejo z volkovi izpod peresa Clarisse Pinkola Estés. Je klic divji ženski naravi, je spodbuda ženski duši, da pomane svoje zaspane in zastrte oči in se opogumljeno razpre v siju svojih potencialov. Tudi mene je poklicala v času, ko sem se prestrašeno skrivala za tančico potlačenih čustvenih bremen, skritih spominov in predvsem strahu, ki se je napajal na  nepovezanih delih moje psihe.

I started reading it like going for an adventure through the wild Amazon rainforest. The safest way to view the forest is from above. However, the true nature of the forest, with all its creatures, colors, smells and life, is between and under the treetops. It hides under roots, leaves, hollows and cavities. Thus, by reading it, I walked through my own primeval forest of the subconscious. The stories knocked on the door of my own memories, dreams and fears. And most of these stories encouraged me, gave me new insights about myself and about the collective consciousness, which also reflects me. They supported and guided me in the processing and loving understanding of my feelings, reactions and way of acting.

Except for one, which nailed me to the painful realization that I am uprooted in this world. I don't have - or better to say - don't know my roots very well. Those of you who have read the book may have already realized that I am talking about the story of “gathering bones”. What stuck in my memory of this narrative and the archetypes it conveys is the important role of our family connections. The latter are like a common thread of a collection of traits and features, both behavioral and purely physical, which are passed down from generation to generation and can be a source of security and creativity, but they also harbor pain and hidden traumatic experiences. If they remain unconscious, they reverberate loudly and grow in the form of hardships and even diseases.

The vast majority of us have strange, difficult, confused and not exactly brilliant family memories, so my story is nothing special in that regard. Therefore, I will not steal your precious attention by describing it. However, I hope you will be inspired by the story of how I heard the call to find my roots and where this has taken me.

At the western edge of Kozjanski Park – nature reserve in Slovenia - there is an area inhabited by beautiful trees and many different forest creatures hide in it. This area is otherwise not as wild, untamed and primeval as in is the Kočevje's forest pearls. This forest is much more used to human presence, but mostly forgotten by them, which allows it to maintain a portion of authenticity. And this place called me. When I checked the map, I realized that there is a place nearby that has been held in a distant memory of my ancestors. I just felt I had to go there.

When I hear the inner call, my intuition, I don't wonder too much, because I know that with my rational mind, I won't come up with the answers. I learned to recognize the colours, or the vibration of such calls, and that's how I distinguish which voices I can trust. And for the most part, I'm not wrong. This time the call was strong. Without expectations of what would follow, I set out on my journey. And I found a part of myself and a part of my roots. But slightly different than you could imagine.

I actually learned a lot about my family along the way. The imprint of this decision to visit certain places has initiated important processes of transformations and connections within my family. The sense of my family roots went deeper and spread underground. I understood a lot and forgave even more. It seemed to me that I had gathered quite a few of my bones, which I can now bury in consecrated ground. That a new life can grow out of them, unencumbered by past events. How I needed this. A heavy burden fell from me that I had already forgotten I was carrying. And when we throw something away, we make room for new things.

And so, on this journey of gathering my bones, I came to a place where I want to build a fireplace in the future. A beautiful space that pulses to the rhythm of wonderful tree and elemental creatures. I also felt the presence of a parallel civilization. I detected elven creatures that have been living in these forests for a long time - as well as below and above them, as they live in a different dimension. Breathing and connecting with this space opened my third eye. I saw clear shapes and colours in the inner space of my consciousness. I opened my heart space and offered the fractal of my heart in a sign of unconditional love and acceptance.

A mighty, but at the same time graceful and subtle, elven creature approached me. He appeared in a male form. On his forehead was a shining star, and on his head was a headdress that resembled the image of a deer's horns. I didn't feel them as actual horns, but a pictorial symbol of his close connection with the forest. I slowly, lovingly and gently wove a connection with him. He led me along the veins of the life-vital energy of the space, which I perceive as a shining green thread. It spreads through living things, minerals and rocks as a blood vessel that feeds and unites the entire organism. And I was part of it. What a wonderful experience.

In the elevated spirit, I followed him into the depths of the earth, deep, deep below the ground. We passed different worlds and were in the presence of creatures that watched us in surprise. I felt very safe with him, he was like a well-experienced hiker in unknown mountain giants. And we went all the way down to the heart of the Earth, her soul Gaia, where the way to the stars and galaxies opens for us.

The stars are not only above us, but we also reach them through the depths of our embodiment. You know - as above, so below. And this wonderful elven being connected me to a star system that I have felt in my heart for a long time. I could observe how this dear elven being is in close connection with the star beings and together with his fellow elves, brings the support, knowledge and light from the stars into the space of the Earth. And this connection is mine as well. Traces of memories referring to my star roots with the Pleiades have been drawing to me for some time. And now these feelings have become stronger.

Now I am aware that my roots spread much wider than I thought. And this realization supports and encourages me to follow my intention to be light and love here on Earth. They are like a warm and safe family circle, where you can always find shelter and motivation when it dries up.